unmariofandomcom-20200214-history
Metroid
A Metroid is a big brain with jelly all around it with three big claws on its bottom this thing will scare the crud out of you by getting on your face and sucking on it. Some rich people kept them as pets, and are also a better house guard than a watchdog. Many galactic enforcers use them to go after criminals (by releasing two out of the truck). Games Metroid Metroid was Nintendo's first attempt to copy Halo, unfortunately the NES didn't have the same graphical capabilities as the XBOX, so it was slightly reduced. It was released in the 1980s, which meant it didn't have a battery save function, so you had to write down a password consisting of Over 9000 characters. Because the game didn't include a map and was altogether relatively non-linear, basement-dwellers across the world thought the game was OMG LIEK SO INNOVATIVE!!!111oneoneoneand everybody loved it. Basically in this game, you play as Samus Aran and you start out with the power beam that has a range of about negative six feet or something. You must then transverse the oh-so-creepy landscape in search of watered-down upgrades, so you can kill some midget dragon , a fat-ass lard-lizard (probably inspired by the final boss of Halo), and a big brain floating in a tank that has a hard-on for anything (and I mean anything). That’s it. That’s the whole game. You risk your life while simultaneously disrupting the ecosystem on Zebes to kill some brain that nobody else in the galaxy gives a crap about. It also has the crappyiest ending ever by revealing you're a female, even though in the manual, it said you were a man. Apparently Samus was a shemale at the time, and had a change shortly after the game ended. (Fun fact: Japanese pronouns are gender-neutral, meaning the guys who wrote the manual actually didn't screw it up the translation.) Metroid 2:Return of Samus Nobody played this game because it was exclusively for the Game Boy, which meant it sucked. Therefore, it is unknown what happens in this game, even to the developers. The game is, however, good for a few things. If you ever want to lose your interest in the Metroid series, just play this game, and you’ll vow to yourself never to play another Metroid''game ever again. The game cartridge itself is good for anal/vaginal insertion, too. That’s about it; otherwise, this game fails. Nintendorks were later able to put together a story through various forms of fan-fiction. It's about killing off all the Metroids according to the N-dorkoffs. But during the trip Samus gets very lonely on the planet, and decides to leave one Metroid alive as her slave. '''Super Metroid' Supposedly the third in the franchise, Super Metroid scared the crap out of people who played it. Some argue that this is the best game in the series. Samus's Metroid slave boi apparently escaped thanks to Ridley (who somehow got cloned and made HUEG) and after that nothing is known because it scared people so badly. Strange, because the pinnacle of "freaky" in that game is going through the wrecked ship area with the spooky ghosts. Then before reaching Tourian to fight mother brain the Metroid you tried to rescue has grown large enough to suck you off literally and you can't escape, then does so later in a sacrifice to help you escape. I suppose when all there was to compare it to back then was Kirby and Sonic, Super Metroid would in fact make people crap their pants. Metroid Fusion Metroid Fusion was the only Metroid game released for the Game Boy Advance, thank God. (This is not including Metroid: Zero Mission, which was little more than a remake of the original Metroid. Wait, Nintendo repackaged old material with slightly updated graphics for the sole sake of capitalizing financially on a relatively popular franchise? Who could have seen that coming?) Also contained an unlockable gallery of Samus for fapping. The enemies in this game are called X parasites that mimic the host they infect which are exactly what Chris Jericho had in mind that you all are, gelatinous parasites and delinquents. You essentially didn’t have to think in Fusion, because there was this gay robot that told you exactly where to go. Mix that with the fact that you had near-constant access to a very detailed map, and you have one easy, easy game for right up until you are hit with the classic time bomb escape sequence with one major difference, YOU GET TO FIGHT A DANGEROUS ENEMY AND WATCH THE TIMER RUN OUT RIGHT AS YOU KILL IT!!! Metroid Prime Metroid Prime is notable for being the first T-rated game Nintendo evar made. With the Nintendo GameBox's "new" 3D capabilites, Nintendo tried to re-invent the entire series by making it more like it's original inspiration, Halo. It features a "new" first person view, which was "new" for Nintendo at the time. The console itself was even modeled and NAMED after the inspiration's home console, so you KNOW that Nintendo was taking crap seriously now. The Nintendorks say in this one you explore a lot, do a lot of back tracking, and do the same crud you did in Super Metroid. This time though, instead of destroying four things, you have to destroy a race, the Space Pirates. So imagine a 3D Super Metroid in which you are constantly killing 3D space pirates. According to the N-dorks it's the greatest thing since Ocarina of Time''because it's ''Super Metroid 3D! The whole game is collecting upgrades. Supposedly pretty good, but it was for the GameCube, so nobody in the world actually knows if it was any good because nobody bought a fucking GameCube. Since this game, Halofags have been claiming that Metroid Prime is a rip-off of it, while they do not understand that Metroid came out in 1985. Metroid Prime 2: Echoes Prime 2 is actually an expansion back onto the first one. The only difference is the new beams which uses ammo. The only good beam shoots for around 10 seconds before running out. Oh and Nintendohad the really creative idea of bringing back the screw attack and much more crud nobody cares about Metroid Prime: Hunters Metroid Prime: Hunters is only fun when playing people online, but even then it sucks because at least 100% of the players cheat so in the end nobody can kill anybody. Not only this but the controls are terrible; Nintendo lost a lot of money since the Cube sucked butt, so they hired monkeys to program the controls. Thus, they sucked. Trying set up a match takes a few years as well, which is why the game is still at the top charts of Nintendo WiFi activity. Metroid Prime 3: Corruption This game was for the Wii, which was basically all that the Kinekt does to the 360 but to a GameCube instead, meaning this time you can actually shoot where you want, which is a feature no game has ever done before. Basically it was the same game as Prime 1 and 2 but with motion controls that don't work, only this one was more boring. She can use radioactive blue crap to increase her power level, but using it for too long makes her die of both cancer and AIDS. The game was developed by combining Super Metroid with Halo, thus creating a massive pile of shit. Called "ZOMG UNIQUE!11!" by fantards because it's the only game in the Prime series to feature other hunters (nobody counts Hunters because it fails). You team up with an alien eskimo who can make them freeze on command, a huge cyborg dude you need to hit in the crotch to damage him, and Samus's freaky, shapeshifting lesbian lover. You pwn them all in the end because they cheated on you with your dark twin. Also introduces Metroid's answer to Admiral James T. Kirk, otherwise known as Badass Bush, who in every message to Samus sounds less like he's on serious galaxy-saving business and more like he wants to get inside her pantsuit at the first opportunity. Category:Aliens Category:Animals Category:Races Category:Pets